Weird Al – “Word Crimes” (Me?)

This Weird Al parody fits my writing life perfectly. I have about 100,000 pages of writing in 20 years. My longest email was 126 pages! LOL! I didn’t care if anyone read them, writing was an incentive to keep researching deeper. (Lyrics below.) I used to dance to this song in Branson but it was the original version!

When I say I edited my book about 40 times in several ways, now you know why! No college. High school didn’t teach it and neither did the few college courses I took. (expelled or nearly expelled and it wasn’t for my grammar but for the truth.)

When I looked in the E.B. White little grammar manual, it mentioned the word “very” was a cardinal sin. I checked Microsoft Word “find” option and founder I used that word 1,300 times! I had to correct each one.

Anyway, time for some fun. You all sure deserve it. When we save our endangered species it will be joyful along with the work.

LyricsEverybody shut up, woo!
Everyone listen up!
Hey, hey, hey, uh
Hey, hey, heyIf you can’t write in the proper way
If you don’t know how to conjugate
Maybe you flunked that class
And maybe now you find
That people mock you onlineOkay, now here’s the deal
I’ll try to educate ya
Gonna familiarize
You with the nomenclature
You’ll learn the definitions
Of nouns and prepositions
Literacy’s your mission
And that’s why I think it’s aGood time
To learn some grammar
Now, did I stammer
Work on that grammar
You should know when
It’s “less” or it’s “fewer”
Like people who were
Never raised in a sewerI hate these word crimes
Like I could care less
That means you do care
At least a little
Don’t be a moron
You’d better slow down
And use the right pronoun
Show the world you’re no clown
Everybody wise up!Say you got an “I”, “T”
Followed by apostrophe, “s”
Now what does that mean?
You would not use “it’s” in this case
As a possessive
It’s a contraction
What’s a contraction?
Well, it’s the shortening of a word, or a group of words
By the omission of a sound or letterOkay, now here’s some notes
Syntax you’re always mangling
No “x” in “espresso”
Your participle’s danglin’
But I don’t want your drama
If you really wanna
Leave out that Oxford comma
Just keep in mindThat “be”, “see”, “are”, “you”
Are words, not letters
Get it together
Use your spellchecker
You should never
Write words using numbers
Unless you’re seven
Or your name is PrinceI hate these word crimes
You really need a
Full time proofreader
You dumb mouth-breather
Well, you should hire
Some cunning linguist
To help you distinguish
What is proper EnglishOne thing I ask of you
Time to learn your homophones is past due
Learn to diagram a sentence too
Always say “to whom”
Don’t ever say “to who”
And listen up when I tell you this
I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis
You finished second grade
I hope you can tell
If you’re doing good or doing well
About better figure out the difference
Irony is not coincidence
And I thought that you’d gotten it through your skull
What’s figurative and what’s literal
Oh but, just now, you said
You literally couldn’t get out of bed
That really makes me want to literally
Smack a crowbar upside your stupid headI read your e-mail
It’s quite apparent
Your grammar’s errant
You’re incoherent
Saw your blog post
It’s really fantastic
That was sarcastic (Oh, psych!)
‘Cause you write like a spasticI hate these Word Crimes
Your prose is dopey
Think you should only
Write in emoji
Oh, you’re a lost cause
Go back to pre-school
Get out of the gene pool
Try your best to not droolNever mind I give up
Really now I give up
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Go away!